Hospital by Helicopter - I love you, I don't want to die

INSPIRATION

I love you! I don’t want to die!

Those moments in our bedroom waiting for the ambulance as Carina struggled to breathe, tried to write ‘I love you’ and repeated over and over ‘I don’t want to die, I love you, I don’t want to die, get Daddy, tell Daddy I love him’ slurred like she was drunk, not knowing we were both right beside her, wild movements, then not breathing again, complete panic, desperation, and a sense of helplessness was with us in that room.

In our valley you can hear the ambulance coming from a distance, she struggled to get up, pulled over the bedside table, couldn’t stop screaming, then the ‘I love you, I don’t want to die’ started again. Our neighbor came in the room, my control broke, I’m the calm one, the one to take the kids for injections, the one to stay in the room at hospitals, Sam can’t cope with anything to do with the thought of choking.

helicopter images

It took forever to strap her onto the board to load into the ambulance. Delirious she thought we were trying to choke her, she fought the straps. “She has to stay still” the ambo’s tell me, in the ambulance we are all standing holding her on the board, I brace myself for the ride down the mountain to the waiting helicopter. Sam is following in the car.

We drive straight out onto the football field, the gates held open. I am led to the helicopter by the kindest man, reassuring me all the way, such a calm soothing voice. In the helicopter I watch the expressions on their faces, I can’t hear what they are saying, Carina vomits.

After multitudes of tests it’s confirmed that she has a severe concussion, we are admitted overnight. I hold her as she showers to wash the vomit from her hair. So fragile and vulnerable.

The nurse puts in a drip, we share the room with a five year old admitted with asthma, each time they try to put a ventolin mask on her she screams the place down. The night is filled with screaming, almost constant screaming, not crying it’s beyond that. In our ward we have maybe six children under five and Carina. We hold hands through the night when the screaming gets too bad.

She has my pillow from home, they used it to hold her legs still as they strapped her onto the stretcher. Sam arrives and I leave to find food, only one parent can stay in the room. I wander the hospital, sections seem abandoned, and when I return I can’t find the right floor, I take the lift to the eighth floor and walk down peering through each window trying to recognize something.

Lost, anxious, constantly to tears, I cry as I leave the cafe with two panini and bottles of water.

Later we share her dinner, the food is incredible, best mashed potatoes ever and the chicken so tender. I feed her tiny spoonfuls and she rests between each one. Those little girl moments are so precious, soon she will be a teen, things will change, but this closeness will always flow between us.

Our first little boy Aaron was full term, ten pound and my pregnancy was perfect.

I went into labor Easter Sunday and Aaron was born alive, but critical.

We were transported to the Children’s Hospital by ambulance

and he died in the early hours of the Monday in the ambulance just as we reached the hospital.

I didn’t know he was already dead as we followed him into the hospital.

My world fell apart

I fell into the black hole that is grief, it took a long time to see the sunlight again.

Trying to get pregnant again with no result. I thought we’d never have children.

My world become about ‘trying’ with books and gizmo’s to tell me the exact right time to conceive.

Our next pregnancy with Carina was like walking on egg shells, I was so fearful that something would happen to her.

She was born almost exactly two years after Aaron, healthy and pink, and screaming her lungs out.

Luca came along two years later. By that time I had become paranoid and fearful that something bad would happen to Carina. I couldn’t let the kids out of my sight, if Sam wanted to take them with him to the shops I’d make sure I went along.

I didn’t even trust my husband to care for his own kids.

It consumed me, this fear.

I would have elaborate dreams about our daughter’s funeral,

what she would wear, and the toys she would have in the coffin, the music that would play.

I nearly sent myself over the edge.

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The sound of any ambulance fills me with dread, still after fourteen years.

We both know how sudden loss can be, how it feels to have no control over the situation, the thought of loosing Carina was with us, a heavy weight in my heart, and Sam crying in our room hearing Carina saying ‘I don’t want to die, I love you’……it really never leaves you.

Carina’s wonderful ‘Frozen’ cake was a gift from : l dolci di Dede

Our community here in the valley has been wonderful, many people told us they heard or saw the helicopter. Some have little rituals they perform, others rang relatives to check they were okay, nobody knew it was Carina other than those in our village.

As I boarded the helicopter I glanced around to find Sam and the entire village seemed to be out, offering to help him with directions, just wishing us well, and sending a prayer our way.

Grazie……

In the week that has followed we have had visitors, phone calls, messages, and outpourings of concern and love. We are stopped in the street, Carina is given the once over, everyone asks after her.

Our home is now here in the Valley, and we have friends and family all over the world, we are so lucky to have found our home in the mountains of Piedmont, to have become part of such a warm community, and to continue creating a life we love.

Grazie….

Thank You…….

Today, one week later was spent with friends in the mountains, enjoying simple food, lots of laughs, cooking chestnuts on an open fire, eating cheese made from fresh milk, bread that is homemade, salami, tiramisu, strong coffee, and some strange kind of digestivo that almost blew my head off….

I’m now slightly tipsy, and rambling so I hope you feel the love,

who knows what the future will bring but I feel it will be Great things for all of us.

Save

and the gang x

50 replies

susan says:
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OMG.
I follow you on FB and didn’t know…
What a shock for you all. Isn’t it terrible how fast it goes with children when they are sick. So vulnerable. Lucky she is a strong girl already. I just just worried about your flue. As we got influenza B here … and you are living a bit isolated and … Health is the greatest gift and we must treasure it.
Big hugs to all of you!
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Lisa Chiodo says:
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By Email

LOUISA

Lisa I am sitting up in bed in London, tears rolling downy cheeks
Reading that story, it reasonated with me
You only overflow with love and gratitude
When you have experienced the terror
Of loosing those very things we love, so Glad
Your beautiful girl is safe and well.
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- Lisa Chiodo says:
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  Louisa how beautifully put, and I’m so happy it resonated with you. I’ve lost my dad, brother and our son, it is easy to panic when you know what could happen. sending love xxx
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Jo / The Desert Echo says:
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I was shocked to see the first photo in my bloglovin feed, I am so glad Carina has recovered. These experiences are a reminder that everyday is precious and to take pleasure in every small lovely moment, I know I often get caught up in the stress of silly everyday moments – work, family quarrells, etc, but in the end if we have our loved ones around us none of these small worries matter.
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Julia Hoenstine says:
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I sent you a private email with the same thing in it, but my son is over there and just met you all! He is with Jeff and Gloria Canada at Le Cassermette. He enjoyed your kids so much, particularly Luca. I hope you will have a chance to know him more!
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Diana says:
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Have just got around to reading this. How terrifying for all of you. So glad to hear Carina is OK. I know when you see your child in a hospital bed, you just wish you could swap with them and take on whatever they are going through, as you just want to see them get up and be OK; and yet there is nothing you can do but wait.
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Trisha Thomas says:
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Hi Lisa — like many who have commented above, I cried when I read this post. Sometimes it is so hard to be a mother. I know exactly the anguish you felt. My daughter was very ill this spring and spent a long time in the hospital. I know what it is like to cry when you go to get a bite to eat and then quickly wipe off the tears in the elevator and try to be upbeat and positive for your child. I used to be such a fearless, optimistic, person who never worried very much — and after having dealt with various medical difficulties with my three children there is much more fretting and anxiety I can’t hold back. But I try to for them. I am so relieved that Carina is fine and that you are all back to your happy lives in your little valley home. Big hugs to you.
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Debra Kolkka says:
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How terrifying for all of you. Thank goodness she is OK.
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Debra Kolkka says:
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How terrifying fir all of you. Thank goodness she is OK.
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jann says:
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Lisa, what an utterly terrifying story. But now your beautiful Carina is safe & sound, thank God. Hugs to your whole family and may you all stay healthy and well in the wide embrace of your beautiful Italian community. xxxxxx
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Helene Mau says:
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My thoughts and prayers are with you. So so glad Carina is ok. God bless. Helene xx
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Lisa Wood says:
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So very scary for you all, but such a good outcome, life is amazing like that – bringing a community together for good things to come.
So glad Carina is all good – and Lisa I am so glad that you and Sam are going to be okay.
Sending you all love xxxx
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Brenda says:
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Lisa,
I can’t imagine what you were all going through. I’m so happy Carina is well and recovering. I pray for her and all of you.

Brenda
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Sibylle says:
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How very scary for you all! Glad to hear she is on the mend! Sabrina sends her love to Carina too xox
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Simone Stewart says:
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Dear Lisa & Sam I’m reading your post on an early Spring morning. It’s 6:00am. Birds are twittering. Nero my cat is gazing out the window waking for the garden to buzz with activity. In this quiet moment, my heart ached when I read your story. Your unbearable grief (Aaron RIP), your fear & Carina’s emergency. Love is stronger than death. Sending thoughts & prayers your way. May this turning point inspire your lovely daughter Carina to seize the day. Carpe diem.
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Sarah says:
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Hello, Lisa! I first found, and then followed, your site and fb page following the House Hunters International episode with your wonderful family. Thanks for sharing your life, your perspective, the highs and the lows. I’m so sorry about the trauma of this experience with your daughter. I’m so so grateful and so happy to hear about her recovery. May her total healing – and your whole family’s emotional healing, too! – be full and complete. Here’s to peace and love and joy and hope kicking out fear! Loads of blessings to you and your wonderful family – Sarah
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Gloria C says:
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Ciao Lisa, my face wet with tears I say your pain is understood… one memory triggering the other is a mountain of emotions.

When I heard the heli I knew it was bad, when I learned it was Carina it stopped me in my tracks. We are so happy for your family that all is going well with her now. The students really wanted to do something for her, and with Dede a resident dolci chef she was quick to agree to bake and decorate the cake for Carina. Always know we will give you all the help we can possible give.
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Cher says:
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Oh goodness, I’m so glad she’s okay. Sending lots of love your way.
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Debbie says:
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How terrible Lisa. But now she is okay. How relieved you and Sam must be. I didn’t know about your first son, but am so glad that Carina is OK. With a spirit as strong as yours it couldn’t have been any other way. Love to all…..X
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Rick Zullo says:
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As the father of a precocious one year-old girl, it was hard for me to read this. But I’m so glad that it had a happy ending. Your daughter is beautiful…and tough!!
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La Contessa says:
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IT takes a VILLAGE!Of course, they were all out and will NOW be there for YOU more ways then one!GOOD GRIEF…………….LISA.I’m so SORRY………….SO SORRY you had to go through this!NO MOTHER should experience this………..BUT YOU MADE IT!She LOOKS GREAT……..
Gave me chills………..XO
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A Cook Not Mad (Nat) says:
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So glad everything turned out ok.
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meg says:
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As hard as that was to write it was also so hard to read. I am glad that she has bounced back so quickly with the resiliency of the young. You are in a wonderful place with wonderful friends and that is such a blessing.
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Jeff Kerwin says:
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The story of your family’s suffering brought tears to my eyes. Poor Carina. But so glad this story has a happy ending.
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Kathy Scruggs says:
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Oh my, Lisa….so glad she is okay. It is a blessing…..
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Rebecca Broderick says:
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So glad you are all back where you belong, in your loving little community and home. I can’t begin to imagine the terror you would have been going through, hoping everything is back to normal for you all. Xx
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Joe Foskett says:
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My heartfelt wishes for a full and speedy recovery x
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Heather says:
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Sweet Lisa, I am reading your words through misty eyes. I cannot imagine what that was like for you all. Thank you for sharing from your heart. So thankful that Carina is ok, and hope the healing is quick for all of you! XO
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Cheriece says:
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Wow Lisa so scary! Glad you were looked after well and she is feeling better.
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Denise says:
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Dear Lisa, like everyone else, I cried all the way through this post – I can’t imagine how it was to write this or how frightened you and Sam were when Carina was struggling, and as I am a newer reader, I was not aware of your losing Aaron. I send you and your family hugs and prayers and strong wishes for peace.
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Leah says:
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Oh my gosh, I have had a huge lump in my throat reading through this. Lisa, I know it must have been difficult to write this and I thank you for opening your heart and sharing all of of it.
I’m so happy that Carina is ok. Tell her I am jealous of her Olaf cake too!
Take care, hugs xoxo Leah (aka Anna from Frozen)
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Michelle Parsons says:
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Oh Lisa. What an amazingly eloquent, heart-wrenching post. We could all feel the fear and panic in your recount of what happened to Carina. As a parent I could feel the knot in your stomach as you faced every parents worst nightmare. But she is ok. And you and Sam are ok. There is no rhyme or reason why these things happen but when they do, we all hug our kids a bit tighter, and cherish the blessing they are in our lives. You are all still in shock but you will get through this. You and Sam are strong. Aaron, Carina and Luca are so lucky to have such wonderful, loving parents. Know that all of your Blog and Facebook friends have you all wrapped tight in our arms, sending you a giant, virtual hug. We are here if you need to talk. x
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lynda sharples says:
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I write this through a veil of tears ….you make me cry and sob then smile and laugh…what a gift you are Missy…So glad Carina is well again …I lived in the outback for 30 years and I too have had the heartache of watching the flying doctor plane take away a loved one then following 500 k in the car not knowing what was to meet us at the end . The fear of the unknown …..terrifying. Hug your family Lisa you are all precious xxxx
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Rebecca says:
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So glad this story had a happy ending!
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Glenn Martin says:
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I am so glad that all is working out. I cannot tell you the fear I felt when I saw the FB photo. The love from the village is one of the reasons that we bought our house in Italy.The love and joy that the people of the town share with all of their neighbours is something we just do not see here in North America, no matter how small the city, town or village. This only solidifies you decision to move your family there. Blessings and happy thoughts.
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Donna Marie says:
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I am so sorry that this happened Lisa! I know Carina will be ok because I have faith in our awesome God. I pray that our Lord keep Carina in His arms and covers her in Jesus’ precious blood of healing. Guide everyone taking care of her and let the recovery be quick and complete. I pray also for your heart and Sam and Luca’s too.
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Joanna says:
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Thank you for sharing. What a scary journey. Life is so fragile. I appreciate the reminder. xxx
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Michelle says:
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So glad things have righted themselves and Carina is on the mend. We will always share a special bond knowing what it’s like to lose our first child and the way it will influence our lives forever…much love
Michelle Loris
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Selina says:
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Sending all of my love for the future xx the fear in your voice in the post and the love you have for your family brings tears to my eyes and an overwhelm of what my mother must have felt every time i became ill as a child (due to being 3month premi). I am so pleased and grateful that she was in the best care and has you both as parents xx your love & passion for life and ensuring that they are the best versions of themselves is soul touching xx sending hugs and bises xxx love you to all xxx
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Jackie Stenhouse says:
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That is horrific. Such a scary thing for you all to go through and I am so relieved it all turned out ok for you all. Its great to know that the emergency services are there whenever you need them.
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Krista says:
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Oh Lisa, I’m crying with you, feeling your fear and anxiety, so deeply thankful that Carina is OK, that you’re all OK. XOXO
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Charmain Giuliani says:
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just crying my heart out …<3 you & yours
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Lili says:
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Oh, Lisa…this was so real and so frightening. Thank God Carina is OK. Many blessings to you all as you continue to create your beautiful life in Italy. XO
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Gina - Our Global Adventure says:
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Oh my goodness Lisa and Sam, what a terribly frightening time for you both! Reading your gut-wrenching account made all my own fears as a parent bubble to the surface. I’m glad that Carina is OK now, (here’s hoping for a speedy recover for her mum and dad now) and thankful that you have made me want to give my kids an extra cuddle today. Thank you for sharing your beautiful Italian life with us xx
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Caterina B says:
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Lisa, as I read this I sobbed and sobbed. Thank God she is OK now. I have a daughter, too, but she is twice Carina’s age.This post brought back feelings from when she was very hurt in an auto accident.She recovered pretty well. Still you NEVER stop worrying about them. How did Carina get a severe concussion? Someone mentioned a fall in a previous comment.
She’s an adorable girl and I send her a big hug from Colorado. And one for you, too!
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Bonnie Melielo says:
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Through the joy, the fear, the tears and the laughter – you share your hearts and story with us. You do “keep it real” and for that we all benefit from a peek into your extraordinary life. Grazie and may you always be blessed!!
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Linda Rhyne says:
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So glad that she is well now! I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to see your daughter in so much pain!
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Penee says:
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I not cried and cried and cried reading your blog on carina and her fall. I am so glad that she is ok again and was so pleased last night to hear her voice as her and Katrina spoke. Katrina was very upset by it all as was I but she is reassured now that Carina is ok after seeing her with her own eyes 🙂 xoxoxoxoxoxo until Sunday, see you later 😉
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Anne says:
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Dear Lisa. I can feel your panic and hear your tears ..a huge shock to all and especially when Carina is uncontrollable. I cannot say I know how you feel or felt ..because I haven’t lost a child but God gave you three wonderful children because of who you and Sam are. And the sadness that came with your little boys passing will always be with ..and then for this to happen .. it all came flooding back.. I could feel your panic in the corridor ..:-( but all is well now .. you will be fine and all the village are with you. Love and hugs Anne. Xx
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Wynne says:
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Oh Lisa, I am in tears reading this, for the horrific scare of that first paragraph…and then tears of laughter at the “Frozen” cake. What an ordeal, and I’m so glad Carina is well. So, too, the terrifying memories of Aaron. Know he is with you always, and watching over you. Luca seems to know that well.

Your community makes me weep for longing of a similar experience. Please hug Carina tight for me, hugs to Luca as well and a smooch for Sam on the cheek, just as in the photo of us that I so cherish. Love to you all…xoxo
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